


In the heat of the moment

by Jecari



Series: Buddie First Kiss Week 2020 [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buddie First Kiss Week, Buddie First Kiss Week 2020, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24505042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari/pseuds/Jecari
Summary: “You have Christopher and I,” Eddie quickly replies without thinking.Even though his tone is filled with assurance, Eddie’s a little surprised by his own words and the truth they hold. Buck is talking about couples and families, not friends. Yet his reply, putting himself and Christopher onthatlevel, feels right.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie First Kiss Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769521
Comments: 23
Kudos: 320





	In the heat of the moment

**Author's Note:**

> For the [ Buddie First Kiss Week ](https://buddiefirstkissweek.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> Day 2: In the heat of the moment
> 
> Hope you like it ♥
> 
> Beta'd by the lovelies [ Meloingly ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meloingly/pseuds/meloingly) and [ Jyang1219 ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jyang1219/pseuds/jyang1219), thanks a lot to both of you ♥

Eddie’s heart clenches in sympathy when he walks into the living room, a glass of water in hand. Back at the station, bringing Buck home with him seemed like a good idea but as he looks at him now, he’s not so sure about that anymore. As much as he wants to be here for Buck, Eddie is starting to think that he shouldn’t be; he doesn’t know how to. He wishes he knew what to say or what to do to help Buck, but he doesn’t. Anyone else would know; Bobby would cook him breakfast, Maddie would find the right words to make him feel better, Hen would give him a hug, Chimney would make a joke… but Eddie? He’s just powerless.

He knows he’ll have to move eventually but for now, all he can do it stand here, mind empty and heart heavy. Buck might have known Red for a short period of time but his death hit Buck so hard he hasn’t said a word since. Eddie would like to pretend he doesn’t know why, but he does and it only makes everything worse; connecting the dots is easy. The way he talked about the former firefighter, with a mixture of eagerness and fear in his voice, the way he looked for reassurance… Buck made it about himself. Not out of selfishness, but out of fear, because in Red he saw a future version of himself, a version he dreads, lonely and isolated.

Sighing, Eddie pushes down his frustration and focuses on Buck. He takes a moment to take the view in, carefully observing him. Bundled up in a gray hoodie, Buck is sitting on the couch with one of his legs tucked under his body. There’s something in his stance that reminds Eddie of Christopher. Not that Buck looks like a nine-year-old kid but, he looks small and vulnerable, fragile.

As painful as that all is, it’s the blank expression on his face is that truly breaks Eddie’s heart. Most of Buck’s face is hidden under the hood, pulled so far up his head that Eddie has to walk closer to see it. Buck is expressionless, even his eyes have lost their usual spark, looking emptier than ever as he vacantly stares at the wall across the room.

Hesitant, Eddie thinks about walking back to the kitchen and calling someone who would be more adept to help Buck, but a part of him– one that may be a little bit selfish– stops himself. That part wants to be the one helping Buck, the one who’s there for him. It’s not pride exactly, just the intense need to show Buck how much he cares about him. It’s something Eddie has always felt, care and concern, but with time it’s gotten stronger, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. He wants Buck to feel loved and safe; he wants him to be happy, and he’s ready to help any way he can.

For now, the best he can do is be here. Eddie hopes it’s enough, he hopes _he_ is enough. As the thought crosses his mind, there’s a voice in his head laughing at him. However, before it can shove his own insecurities in his face, Eddie shuts it up with the reminder that this is about Buck, not himself.

When Eddie puts the glass of water down on the coffee table, Buck jumps. He looks up around the room with a confused look on his face and when his eyes land on Eddie, they widen. Buck looks a little panicked, as if he just realized where he is. Unsure, Eddie stands between Buck and the coffee table as Buck blinks a few times. Now that Buck has noticed his presence, Eddie feels even more stupid and powerless.

“So…” he trails off, unsure. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck’s reply doesn’t come right away. He stares at Eddie in silence, eyes shining with unshed tears. Eddie patiently waits as Buck opens his mouth then closes it almost instantly. It looks like he wants to answer, but he can’t bring himself to use his voice. So when he lightly shakes his head, Eddie takes it as an answer.

In all honesty, Eddie is relieved Buck doesn’t want to talk. Despite the progress he’s made with Frank’s help, he still struggles with words and emotions, but he would have tried for Buck. The thought is scary but not that surprising; Buck has that effect on him. He makes Eddie want to take risks and step out of his comfort zone, be a better man.

“What can I do to help you?” Eddie asks, not really thinking about it.

Now that he does though, he realizes he should have asked that sooner. Once again, Buck replies wordlessly. His eyes drop on the floor as he opens his arms, asking for a hug. Eddie takes a deep breath and steps forward, stopping when his shins hit the couch. Instantly, Buck moves closer to the edge of the cushion. He straightens his leg, putting it down close to Eddie so he’s trapped between his legs, and wraps his arms around Eddie’s middle. Eddie doesn’t waste a second and hugs him back; one hand on Buck’s back and the other one on his head, he holds him silently. As he gently strokes Buck’s back, Eddie feels him shaking in his arms. Buck’s breath catches in his throat as he tightens his hold around Eddie, burying his face in Eddie’s chest. Buck doesn’t sob nor does he whimper, but Eddie feels tears dampening his shirt all the same.

The silence clashes with the violent shudder overpowering Buck and the desperate grip on Eddie’s shirt. Eddie moves his hands until both of them are on Buck’s back, and holds him as close and as tightly as possible without suffocating him.

Eddie doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but after a while, Buck stops shaking and his grip on the back of Eddie’s shirt eases as he goes slack in his arms. For a second Eddie thinks Buck fell asleep but slowly, his best friend pulls away. He moves until his back is pressed against the couch and stares at his hands, twisting them in his lap.

“I–” Buck’s voice sounds raspy and strangled. “I’m sorry.”

Even though he knows Buck can’t see him, Eddie looks at him with a confused frown, drawing his eyebrows together. He doesn’t know why Buck is apologizing, but he does know that he has no reason to.

“Buck,” he says softly, crouching between Buck’s legs, “look at me,” he encourages him with a gentle squeeze on his knee that he hopes is comforting.

Buck is reluctant but he still obliges. He slowly looks up from his hands and, jaw shut tight, he meets Eddie’s eyes. Eddie hides it behind a small, reassuring smile but his heart squeezes at the sight. Buck’s eyes are still shiny and red from crying, his cheeks still wet.

“It’s okay,” Eddie assures him, handing Buck the glass of water. He watches him drink it in one go and speaks again after putting it back on the coffee table. “I’m here for you, I just… I don’t know what you need.”

When Buck shrugs in answer, Eddie figures out that he doesn’t know what he needs either. He wishes Buck could give him a proper answer so he could help him, but he understands. Suddenly, Buck’s eyes are filled with tears again and his bottom lip trembles, making Eddie’s heart ache. Eddie stands up and sits on the couch, his chest facing Buck’s side, and moves as close as he can, until his body is pressed against Buck’s. After wrapping an arm around his shoulders, Eddie pulls Buck against his chest. He settles his other arm on Buck’s bicep, holding him in an awkward side hug.

“Y-you…” Buck hiccups, grasping Eddie’s forearm. “This… I need this.”

Eddie’s heart flutters at Buck’s confession. “I’ve got you.”

Not giving it much thought, Eddie slightly pulls the hood still covering Buck’s head back. He tugs at it just enough to have access to the side of his face and presses a tentative kiss on Buck’s temple. He feels Buck’s breath hitch– which makes him think he shouldn’t have done that– but Buck snuggles closer, leaning into the kiss. Eddie can’t hold back a sigh of relief as he brushes the tip of his nose against Buck’s head then gives it another kiss, less timid.

As Eddie keeps pressing gently kisses on Buck’s temple, hands on the opposite side of his face, he feels his best friend’s body relax against his. Even though Buck’s breathing slows down and he stops shaking, Eddie doesn’t let go; he keeps his hands on Buck’s face, one of his thumbs soothingly stroking his cheek, and Buck’s body against his.

“I–” Buck stops to clear his throat. “I don’t want to end up alone, like Red,” Buck confesses after a while, confirming Eddie’s doubts.

“That won’t happen,” Eddie assures him before pressing another kiss on his temple. “There are so many people that love you, Buck. You have Maddie, Bobby, Chimney, Hen... Me.”

“Maddie and Chimney have each other now,” Buck argues but his tone is flat, defeated. “Bobby has Athena, May, and Harry. Hen has Karen, Denny, and Nia. You have Christopher. Where does that leave me? Who do I have?”

“You have Christopher and I,” Eddie quickly replies without thinking.

Even though his tone is filled with assurance, Eddie’s a little surprised by his own words and the truth they hold. Buck is talking about couples and families, not friends. Yet his reply, putting himself and Christopher on _that_ level, feels right. Buck is already more family than a friend, so that part doesn’t shock Eddie. What does, is that he finally admits to himself that he can’t imagine his life without Buck. He knows what it looks like, he went through it and it’s not something he wants to experiment ever again. He needs Buck in his life and not only as a best friend.

“It’s not the same thing,” Buck disagrees, shaking his head.

“We will always be here for you,” Eddie insists with confidence and certainty.

Buck scoffs and pulls away so he can look at Eddie in the eye. “No you won’t, Eds. I’m just a friend, Red had friends too, and he still died surrounded by strangers. Friends come and go, that’s life.”

“You’re more than a ‘just a friend’, Buck.”

Eddie doesn’t know if he understands the hidden confession but one second Buck is staring at him with sadness in his eyes and the next, soft lips are pressed against his as warm hands cup his face. Instinctively, Eddie’s eyes shut, and he can only think about one thing: Buck is kissing him. However, his brain barely processes what’s happening, frozen by surprise.

It’s only when he feels the tips of Buck’s tongue teasing his lips that he realizes what’s going on. Buck’s kiss is eager and a little desperate and Eddie can’t help but think that Buck isn’t kissing him because it’s Eddie, but because he’s just present at the moment. The thought quickly settles in his head, bringing with it a storm of questions and insecurities Eddie can’t ignore.

So, no matter how much he wants to kiss Buck back, he doesn’t. Instead, he places his hands on his shoulders and pushes him back as gently as he can. Buck still looks at him with hurt in his eyes and a hint of shame paints his cheeks red as he lowers his head, looking at the space between them.

“I’m sorry,” Buck apologizes through clenched teeth, as if he’s trying to hold back fresh tears.“I–”

“No,” Eddie stops him, hands still on his shoulder in a vain attempt to prove to Buck that he’s not pushing him away. “It’s okay, I just–”

Buck doesn’t let Eddie finish his sentence. “I shouldn't have… I’m sorry. Please don’t– don’t be mad me, I can’t lose you, Eds. I– Let’s just forget about it okay? I’m– I should go,” he states, looking around in fear.

Eddie’s hands slide from Buck’s shoulder to his neck. Eddie holds his face and makes him look at him. The tears making Buck’s eyes shine are so close to spilling, Eddie’s insides twist. He hates the fact he’s the reason why Buck is on the verge of crying, but he needs to be sure that this is what he really wants.

“Buck,” he says softly, his thumbs stroking Buck’s face. “I’m not mad at you, I’m not going anywher–”

“But I kissed you,” Buck sighs in disbelief.

Eddie nods. “You did.”

“And you didn’t kiss me back, you pushed me away.”

“I did,” Eddie agrees, still holding Buck’s face between his hands. “I did because I want to make sure that this is what you really want,” he adds, looking into Buck’s eyes, searching for answers Buck might not want to give him.

Buck chuckles, shaking his head. “I kissed you out of the blue and you want to make sure that _I_ want this? Really, Eds?”

“Yes, really,” Eddie replies, not really understanding why Buck finds it so funny. “It’s been a long night, it’s been hard on you and maybe… I don’t know…” he sighs, letting go of Buck’s face. He’s not planning on sharing what really bothers him with Buck but the words are out of his mouth before he can stop them anyways. “Maybe you kissed me because you’re feeling lonely and I just happen to be here.”

“Is that what you really think? That I would just kiss anyone because I’m lonely?” Buck asks. More than hurt, there’s genuine confusion written all over his face. “I’m not like that anymore.”

“I don’t know…” Eddie admits, eyes avoiding Buck’s. Although he knows Buck isn’t like that anymore, there’s still doubts in the back of his mind, fear. He pushes it away with a deep breath. “All I know is that I want to kiss you because I… like you.”

Eyes focused on his lap, Eddie feels Buck move more than he sees him. The couch shifts under his weight and soon, he’s invading Eddie’s personal space. Eddie has no choice but to look at Buck when he urges him to with a finger under his chin. When he meets his eyes, something Eddie can’t place has replaced the sadness and pain inside them.

“And I kissed you because I love you,” Buck declares with a soft smile on his lips.

_Love…_

Love is what Eddie is seeing in Buck’s eyes, so pure and earnest.

Love is what Eddie is feeling, making his heart beat so fast it feels like it’s trying to jump out of his chest.

Love is why Eddie is the one kissing Buck first this time, tender and passionate all at once. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kuddos are always appreciated and cherished, your love and support are what keep me writing! ♥
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://depthandcharacter.tumblr.com)!


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